In a previous post, I wrote about how labelling emotions as positive or negative limits us in our growth and aliveness.
A flow of energy
I like picturing emotions as energy in motion. E-motion. We can feel this energy when we feel intense joy: we feel the need to jump, run, sing, laugh, dance! As well as when we feel anger arise inside, for instance. It’s like a volcano heating up and bubbling. Our pulse speeds up, we get warm and red in the face, we get uneasy. We feel the need to let it out, maybe with a scream, hit or break something or hurt someone verbally or physically. Everyone who can feel emotions knows this rise of energy inside.
So what should we do with this energy? Sometimes, the temptation is big to unload it all onto somebody else, the person we consider the culprit, the one who “made us mad“. Nevertheless, it is kinder to ourselves and to others to just feel the energy and let it flow. If we don’t put resistance into feeling our emotions, they usually flow through us and go, like clouds in the sky. Yes, this means as well leaning into discomfort and feeling pain.
Feeling emotions can be painful. Emotional and physical pain are similar processes in the brain. Nevertheless, feeling pain doesn’t necessarily mean suffering. Suffering actually comes from ignoring the pain, resisting it or from the stories we tell ourselves around this pain.
Core wounds
Let’s go back a little and talk about the concept of subconscious programming.
When we grow up in an environment where people around us don’t judge, shame or blame us but listen to us, encourage us, cheer for us, help us get up after a defeat and still believe in us, we feel deep inside that we are worthy of love and belonging, that we are ok as we are despite our flaws. We are brave and engage fully with the world.
Sadly, society nowadays is very judgemental. How often have we been criticised in a non-constructive way, laughed at, trolled, bullied, humiliated? Society sends us unrealistic messages of ideal beauty, of happiness based on having lots of money, an expensive car, a new phone every year, a perfect relationship, a perfect family. But at all those recurring moments where we can’t be what is expected of us, we are deeply vulnerable. We can’t see that probably those people are just shifting their pain onto us or that unreachable benchmarks were set. So our mind tries to make sense of it all and makes it about ourselves: “They must be right, I’m weak, I’m ugly, I’m too fat, I’m dumb, I’m not talented, I’m a failure, I’m a bad partner, I’m a bad parent,…” The pain we feel inside over and over again creates beliefs that get implanted into our subconscious mind through repetition: “I’m defective“, “I’m not safe“, “I’m trapped“, “Something is wrong with me“, “I’m not enough“, which all come down to a feeling of not being worthy. Those beliefs about our unworthiness are also called core wounds.
After feeling, introspection
By analysing what emotion arose and why, we can win from the situation very precious feedback about ourselves.
Firstly, it helps us understand what needs we have that are not being met at the moment. With that information, we can take action to fulfil our needs in a healthy and conscious way.
Secondly, it shows us how our subconscious mind is programmed. We can observe our mind – our inner voice – and realise what core wound is being activated. Then, we can start healing by questioning the stories we are telling ourselves and as well by reprogramming our subconscious mind.
I’ll soon post an example from my personal life and a ressource where to find more insights on this process.
In the meantime, here is an interesting post from the platform Psychology Today, a website I regularly consult when I have questions in the topic of mental heath and relationships. This post is about the difference between pain and suffering.
