One of my life’s big milestone was in fall 2019 when a friend gave me some amazing advice.
At the time, I was struggling a lot with life, not knowing what I wanted and where to go. I felt a lot of pressure from outside to be a certain way, with people even harshly unloading their disappointment onto me when I dared to step up for myself. I was stuck in a dark tunnel, not knowing if there was any light at the end of it. My senses were really toned down. The colours were dull, the sounds muffled, I felt no enthusiasm. I was in a downwards spiral of pessimistic thoughts, even questioning the need for human connection. I thought: “If I were alone, I wouldn’t have the problems I have”. I felt many painful emotions like fear, anger, despair. And it was hard for my friends and partner to see me in that state.
I told my friend that I was fed up with all those negative emotions I was feeling. And her reply changed my life. It was something like that: “I see it’s hard and it hurts to be in your situation and must be exhausting. And perhaps you could try not to label these emotions as being negative? You know, many emotions can come up. Yes, some are pleasant and some are unpleasant. But all emotions are natural.” Boom…
Integration
During the next months, the statement “All emotions are natural, some are pleasant and some are not.” started to really resonate with me. And I started hearing about it from multiple sources too. Here are my thoughts about it:
- When we label something as negative or positive, we automatically judge its presence. Something negative becomes unwelcome, like we do not want it.
- We can’t choose consciously what emotions should arise. It happens on a subconscious level. Not accepting that mechanism is denying a part of us and what makes us human.
- We can actively repress emotions though, swallow them down. This is something I was taught by society: “A strong man doesn’t cry.” But if we repress one side of the emotional spectrum, we automatically repress the other side as well. We neither can really feel joy if we can’t feel sadness, nor feel hope if we can’t feel despair. Since fall 2019, I spent hours shedding all the tears I had swallowed back down since I was a teenager. And I feel so much more alive now! Furthermore, repressed emotions have many other repercussions on the body (blockages, pain, injuries), on the mind (limiting thoughts and beliefs) and on human connection (not being authentic), in short on the quality of our lives.
- Emotions are triggered by something in the outside world or by our thoughts about it. But, and that is the key, they say something about ourselves, not about the outside world. They are a direct feedback from our subconscious mind, which runs all day like an autopilot in the background and dictates about 95% of all our thoughts and actions.
Daily practice
The principle I’m trying to apply now really makes my life more enjoyable.
Emotions that arise are all welcome. Some are pleasant and I enjoy them. I allow myself to feel them, to smile, to laugh, to jump, to shake, to dance, to yell! They are a reward for a situation or an action that is in alignment with who I am.
Some are unpleasant, yes they can hurt like hell, and still, I welcome them. They are a direct feedback from my subconscious mind about myself and the way I relate to the outside world. They are a gift to myself for my personal growth. So I name them and I feel them: “This is sadness and it hurts.” Sometimes I postpone that moment a bit to find a safe space for myself where I am alone or with a good friend, sometimes I do it on the spot. I feel the pain, it is welcome. I use emotional release tools, I cry, I scream, I hit a pillow or a mattress, I throw rocks into the river and let the emotions flow, all of this without hurting myself or others. My experience is that, as soon as I name the emotions and accept them, they loose their intensity. Sure, they might come back in waves again and again but they still become less unpleasant and less strong with time.
Then, there is the moment to look inwards, use the valuable feedback from our subconscience and find the reason why those emotions were triggered, what resistance we have in ourselves against what happened outside. I will write more about that process in a later post.
Learn from children
I think young children are amazing teachers in the topic of accepting emotions and letting them flow through us. They have not yet learned from their parents or society to judge emotions into acceptable or not acceptable ones. Just look at a child who got into a fight with her brother over a toy. She would cry and let out her pain and disappointment. Five minutes later you would see her laughing to tears while playing with her brother. What happened there? She just embraced her pain, felt it, let it flow and go away. Sure, she will eventually learn some emotional regulation for her own good, in order not to feel upset about anything like a broken cookie or water drops on her sweater. Unfortunately, emotional repression is taught more widely than emotional acceptance and regulation because this is the standard in today’s society.
