For most of our lives, we live on autopilot. Our subconscious programs run on and on and guide us through the day. They were integrated into our system when we were only children. Beliefs, thoughts and habits are passed on to us by our parents, caregivers, teachers, society through our childhood friends, songs, stories, advertisement, etc. Or they stem from painful and traumatic childhood events, like feeling shamed, not being listened to, not feeling loved, etc. and we start acting in ways to avoid these events from ever happening again.
As adults, even if we can recognise a healthy from an unhealthy behaviour, we drink alcohol, we eat fast food, we smoke, we don’t exercise, we shop, we gossip, we keep attracting the same people and having similar difficult romantic relationship dynamics, we procrastinate, we binge watch TV and so on.
Asking ourselves why
Then maybe, there is a day when we ask ourselves the question: “ Why am I doing this? “. Probably this would happen when a behaviour doesn’t serve us and we suffer consequences: a really bad hangover, an alarming blood panel, a bad cough and a sore throat, back pain, an empty wallet, deteriorating friendships, heartbreak or extreme laziness and no energy. Maybe someone else points out that behaviour to us because they are really annoyed by it.
This is a crucial moment, asking ourselves “Why?” for the first time. We have just planted the seed of living a conscious life.
When I used to drink
I will share one of my experiences on the subject.
In Fall 2019, I started questioning my drinking habits. I never was addicted but used to drink alcohol every time I met friends at a bar or for dinner. Mostly beer and wine, sometimes some liquor. Hangovers had been annoying me more and more during the past few months. I really hated feeling low on energy, having headaches, an upset belly and not being able to enjoy my day after a party night. So I asked myself: “Why am I putting myself through this?”
Looking back, sure sometimes it was fun, the alcohol helped me let go of my inhibition making me more dancy, more flirty, more fun to others probably. Laughing like mad, maybe even doing little crazy things like playing pingpong with cutting boards and potatoes in the restaurant’s bathroom (Potatoes don’t bounce much. The Christmas baubles were a better pic!) or borrowing a road sign to surf back to the chalet in the snow. True stories. We probably all have done similar stuff. Small crazy things with little consequences. Eventually good memories! Of course there were other more unpleasant moments like not remembering how I came back home or what I did after one o’clock in the morning, puking in the train’s trash bin, losing my ticket for my jacket in the cloakroom and having to stay until the club closes to get it back, staying in bed until 5 p.m. with a headache as if gladiators were wrestling inside my head, almost getting into a fight with a good friend, missing class the next day, even turning back home halfway to class because of nausea, telling myself: “I’m never going to drink ever again…”. Eventually, what bothered me the most was my awful state and the loss of time the next day. I couldn’t do anything of my day. This was mostly in my mid-twenties. I did become a bit more reasonable within the following years.
Drinking consciously
By asking myself why, I realised that I was almost always drinking socially. At a bar, I ordered a beer because my friends did as well. I drank a glass of wine because my friends ordered a bottle. I had a hard time saying no to that last late night beer offer, even if I knew I already had had enough. Did I like that kind of beer? Did I really want wine? Was I thinking about how I would feel the next day if I had a few too many glasses? No, I didn’t. But on that day I started.
And I discovered a whole new side of me: I can dance, be flirty and feel confident without the effect of alcohol. I now choose how I consume. I drink a lot less than before, for sure. Nevertheless, I believe I enjoy it more when I do or when I let go and get drunk, by conscious choice.
